Why Does Criticism Hurt So Much? Why Do I Care What Others Think?
The spotlight effect & why we overestimate how much others notice us.
It's a very human thing to worry about others' judgement of us. It feels painful to be criticised by others, as well when we're critical of ourselves.
And, annoyingly, it feels challenging simply anticipating either of these situations.
If you’ve ever put off sharing something, avoided a photo, or replayed a comment for days, you already know how quickly self-doubt can creep in. We are built to care about what others think.
Why do we care so much about what others think?
For most of human history, being part of the group, the community, or the tribe was a matter of survival. Caring about how others see us was a form of risk reduction. Being accepted and not standing out for the 'wrong' reasons could be could be what stood between life and death.
Our brains haven't changed much since then. When we sense judgement, we get a stress response that springs us into action, even when that response isn’t helpful.
On top of that, our sense of self doesn’t only come from our own experiences. It’s also shaped by what we imagine others think of us.
That gets complicated when people don’t tell us what they think. With no information to go on, our mind fills in the blanks, and it rarely fills them in helpfully or kindly.
The spotlight effect
This is what’s known as the spotlight effect: a tendency to overestimate how much other people are focused on us. If you’re socially anxious, you’re likely to experience a heightened version of this. It can feel as though everyone has noticed the thing you’re worried about, and they're all discussing it behind your back.
How do I stop worrying about what other people think?
Here are a few places to start:
Build your criticism and frustration tolerance. This can enable you to accept yourself and your shortcomings (we all have them!), and be able to tolerate that not everyone has to like or accept you in order for you to accept yourself.
Let go of criticisms (or assumed criticisms) that don’t have the evidence to back them up. This includes your own narrative and beliefs about who you are and what you have to offer.
Reflect on times when someone’s judgement of you said more about their experience and feelings than about reality. We're a messy bunch, and everyone's just doing their best to get by. This involves some fumbling and screwing up along the way.
Perfectionism? Who, me?!
It’s worth asking yourself: how are perfectionism and unrealistic expectations shaping your self-worth? Are there areas of your life where you might be setting yourself up to fail?
What is your relationship like with failure? How do you typically react when you say or do something that you regret or feel a bit embarrassed about?
Calm first, rationalise second
When you’re in the grip of shame and self-loathing, every emotion can feel like a dumpster fire. It becomes hard to rationalise, and you’re far more likely to leap to big assumptions about what these thoughts and feelings say about you.
So the first job isn’t to argue with the thoughts. It’s to calm things down and meet the shame with some compassion. Once your emotions have settled, perspective has room to return.
Your stretch zone
This is where the learning model (Luckner & Nadler, 1991) comes in.
Comfort zone: familiar and safe, but not much growth or challenge.
Stretch zone: uncomfortable but manageable, where learning happens.
Panic zone: too much, too fast, too overwhelming. This is where we tend to shut down or avoid.
Learning to tolerate vulnerability, uncertainty and frustration means recognising that you can improve and change. But you don’t have to leap from your comfort zone straight into the panic zone.
So I’ll leave you with this: what sort of things would sit in your stretch zone? Not the scariest thing you can think of, just one small step slightly beyond what feels comfortable.
Let me know in the comments what yours might be.
If you'd like some support with your body image, eating habits and mental health, reach out for a free call here.
Maya Robinson is a Disordered Eating and Body Image Coach based in Bristol and online. She is a trainee counsellor/therapist who is registered with CNHC and is a BACP student member.
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